I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
