I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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