I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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