Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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