Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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