My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You smell like stripper and shame
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
