my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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