my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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