i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
