i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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