so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
