Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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