When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize