omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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