I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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