you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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