i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
