he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
