I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
