You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
