Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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