u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
