i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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