I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
