i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
is wine microwaveable?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
