My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
