i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
