On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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