Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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