I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize