For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
