I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
