oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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