I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
