He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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