She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will be naked everywhere
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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