Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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