Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
