I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
