I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
