you traded sex for a burrito?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
