i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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