he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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