it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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