cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
