I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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