I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Randomize
