My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
