it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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