High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
