What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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