Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
