you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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