You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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