made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
