You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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