he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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