apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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