Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
